Time Bandit Magazine

So the Simpsons have been boring me lately, but luckly, with the avatar system over at www.simpsonsmovie.com , I can now make my own stories and characters. Here is a first run off of people I have made, and their tales.

Episode 1, Rock of Ages:

When a traveling rock concert comes to town, they offer the opening slot to a local band, and a battle of the bands ensues. Besides Martin and Ralph’s Two Man Polka Band, Otto’s Father:

comes to town to battle:

Snake’s Rock Star Cousin. Otto’s father drives a cab in Capital City, and after hearing how Snake and the Cousin belittle Otto in a Battle of the Bands (Otto plays a solo of Smoke on the Water), his father comes and does intense Guitar Hero training with Homer. Then the trio of Homer, Otto and his father called TransRock wins the crowd in a Band show-down. This has a lot to do with Otto and his father accidentially putting their “stash” on the pyrotechnics getting everyone in Springfield high.

Episode 2, Life’s Sloppy Seconds:

This begins with someone making Springfield in Second Life, and the next thing you know everyone is on there. After a crazy collage of different people and their on-line personas, Disco Stu meets an avatar he remembers from long ago.

His lost lover, who comes to town to visit in “First Life”:

Comic Book Guy is also visited by his chat lover:

The romance of Comic Book Guy and his Chat Lover goes on the rocks when she opens his “priceless” Hello Kitty collector items. Even though they are standing right in front of each other, they madly argue over text messages on their Blackberries.

The romance for Disco Stu hits a bump when he realizes his old girl is now into Phish. After becoming Jam Band Stu for awhile, he regresses back to his disco roots and the episode ends with the citizens of Springfield acting out Xanadu in Disco Stu’s Second Life roller disco. The Crazy Texas plays the part of Gene Kelly.

Episode 3, Wonder Twins Deactivited:

All around Springfield, pranks and antics are being pinned on Bart. No one, of course, believes him when he says he didn’t do it. So he and Lisa try and track down the culprit and discover:

Ralph’s Evil Twin. Seperate at birth, he as smart as Ralph is special, as smooth as Ralph is akward. In a battle to the finish, Bart is about to be thrown from the Springfield sign where the Evil Twin is about to deface the letters when Ralph saves the day. How? Well, you gotta watch the episode.

Episode 4, Love Hard Brewed:

Carl, Lenny and Homer are all at Moe’s when Moe gets a call and then start frantically cleaning. After a montage of the boys helping him out, in comes:

Moe’s Hot Sister. Lenny and Carl fall madly in lust with her, much to the disgust of Moe. Homer, of course, eggs it all on. After taking in Springfield, Moe’s Hot Sister says the only thing that can win her heart is a pint of Duff’s Ultra Secret Quadruple-Bock Stout, hidden deep inside the brewery. So Homer, Lenny and Carl all break in and discover the phantom of the brewery:

Samuel Duff. Samuel Duff, in trade for the trio keeping his secret, give Homer, Lenny and Karl a pint of the mystic brew, which Homer drinks after breaking a sweat when Samuel Duff releases his Brewery Boys to chase them out of the factory. So they distraughtly walk back Moe’s to find his sister in the arms of Duff Man’s Straight Brother. But all is not lost, during the episode, Lenny and Karl discover who they truly love, each other, and get married in the Duff Beer Garden by Duff Man himself.

The ends.

I wish I could have been at this opening, the gates into a fantasy land. Oh yes, the Creation Museum has opened. Here is a link to a lucky dude who got to go:

http://www.salon.com/

Here is us ruthlessly using fair use to set the tone:

The museum’s 49 acres of carefully landscaped grounds are encircled by a tall metal fence. Visitors tempted to enter without paying will be discouraged by armed guards in black state-trooper-like uniforms and attack dogs.

Really? You need attack dogs at the Creation Museum? That is some heavy shit, like Rottweilers for Jesus. Heaven forbid God’s word reaches some poor folk, we know how he’d hate that.

On the other hand, he says, the Book of Genesis is true “from the first word to the last.”

Really? All of Genesis? I take you up on that! Then what about:

Genesis 6 1:4

1 When men began to multiply on earth and daughters were born to them,
2 the sons of heaven saw how beautiful the daughters of man were, and so they took for their wives as many of them as they chose.
3 Then the LORD said: “My spirit shall not remain in man forever, since he is but flesh. His days shall comprise one hundred and twenty years.”
4 At that time the Nephilim appeared on earth (as well as later), after the sons of heaven had intercourse with the daughters of man, who bore them sons. They were the heroes of old, the men of renown.

In case you are wondering,

Sons of Heaven: The sons of heaven: literally “the sons of the gods” or “the sons of God,” i.e., the celestial beings of mythology.
Nephilim: Perhaps the huge megalithic structures in Palestine were thought to have been built by a race of giants, whose superhuman strength was attributed to semi-divine origin. The heroes of old: the legendary worthies of ancient mythology.

So, if you are serious and every part of Genesis is true, I cannot what to see the exhibit of the Titans from Greek mythology having their way with our fair maidens. Make that shit big, son, I want a towering 20 ft Kronos whispering onto some chick’s ear that he’s gonna come at her like a swan.

I expect this exhibit by Christmas, to make little baby Jesus happy.

Moving on, here is a bit of insanity:

At the Creation exhibit, two young T. rexes peacefully watch fish swim in a placid pond. Two curly-haired robotic kids play nearby.

Missing from the exhibit was the overwhelming horror show that happens seconds later as the T Rexes enjoy the choice cuts of tender young human sweet meats. Just imagine a lot of blood, screaming and maybe even some crying.

Here is a mind-fuck for this people:

Not so, says Looy. “They all had to exist at the same time because they were all made on the same day. There may not be any fossil evidence showing dinosaurs and people in the same place at the same time. But it is clearly written that they were alive at the same time.“

So what you are suggesting then, if fossil ages are the same for dinosaurs and humans, then fossil fuels are the same age for dinosaurs and humans. My god, we are all running our cars off the bodies of our ancestors! Just think, next time you fill up the tank, it’s a family affair. The soylent green of fuels.

And last, but not least, a last kiss good-bye before we leave their magical kingdom of bunnies, rainbows, ponies and maybe even touch of love from Jesus, himself:

The entire exhibit, in fact, is awfully grim. A montage slide show of fetuses, starving kids, swastikas, tourniquet-bound arms ready for the needle bombard the wall in a room with a soundtrack of blaring sirens, boots marching in unison, and crying kids. In the middle of this urban mess is a big wrecking ball with the words “Millions of Years” carved into it. Ham blames the notion that the Earth is quite a bit older than the Bible suggests for just about all the world’s problems. Evolution, which requires large amounts of time for small changes to accumulate into larger ones, makes it far too easy for people not to believe the Bible, he says. And that loss of belief “is at the root of modern evil.”

Funny, dude, I know some people who say: Blind belief is at the root of all evil.

Democracy died today in America, when the Democrats rolled over on the Iraq War funding. The American people sent them to end the way, the Democratic decided that they would be the new boss just like the old boss.

This is the best quote:
“Liberal: a power worshipper without power.” George Orwell

I use to think Republicans were worse, but naw, it’s the Democrats, they made us believe in them, then betrayed us. Fuck them, please drive through.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18831132/#storyContinued

They really speak for themselves.

What we learn is that bad people look like good people, but never vice versa. And basically don’t talk to anyone, because they are gonna offer you candy, or puppies or ponies or some shit to lure you into their horror den. But there is good advice, like if a dude stops and asks you to get into his car so he can take you to his shed, you say no. Hopefully though, to a kid this would already sound like a bad idea.

Okay, the movie sequence has to the height of the waywardness. So it’s in the dark where bad people try bad things, and the Cautious Twins in a serious lapse of judgment have sat between the very caricature of a 50’s kiddy fiddler. Nice. So they hustle the fuck out of there after a bit of the old grabby grabby and on their way home it gets rough. Doren got worked by this dude in the lobby, and then on the street some dude grabbed Dan that required some police intervention. And they aren’t even halfway home. Then the puppy test, from a car driven by a young Hunter S. Thompson.

Then they decided not to walk into the dark alley where bad things happen in bad movies. And basically live in total mortal fear of the outside world, so they get home. And according to this film, that’s the only truly safe place in the world.

blogging from the wii

for reals

O

A crocodile at a zoo in the southern Taiwan city of Kaohsiung holds the forearm of a zoo veterinarian in between its teeth, April 11, 2007. The crocodile bit off the arm of the zoo veterinarian treating it, an official reported.

http://news.yahoo.com/photos/

Let this be a lesson to everyone, Crocodiles do not make great pets.

Oh so, holy shit, this gets better. They re-attached his fucking arm! Not shitting you:

Taiwanese zookeeper Chang Po-yu waves from his hospital bed, Thursday, April 12, 2007, in Kaohsiung, 350 kilometers (217 miles) south west of Taipei, Taiwan. Surgeons reattached Chang’s forearm Thursday after a 200-kilogram (440-pound) Nile crocodile chomped it off and colleagues recovered the limb from the reptile’s mouth. The forearm was reattached following seven hours of surgery. The Liberty Times newspaper said Chang failed to notice that the crocodile was not fully anesthetized when he stuck his arm through an iron rail to medicate it.

 Now that is a hard day at the office. 

Let this speak for itself.

This guy thinks so:

But how does he not know these are shrieks of pain and agony? The logical jump this dude is making is that animals have the exact same perspective of the world as we do. Maybe our pain is a rat’s joy, and the joy of rat’s are our pain. Like when they sneak into houses and eat babies.